“…That girl was way behind her time”

I tried it today. I tried living in the moment. Not the future (the LOOMING relcation to ATL), not the past (money blunders that have got me in a current bind) But the NOW. Everytime I caught myself getting freaked out…like the miscommunication between me and my future roommate that left me stranded at Hartsfield-Jackson airport for an hour

… anytime something like THAT happened…I just reminded myself to BREATH. THIS moment is all that matters and in THIS moment, I’m alive. In THIS moment I’m healthy. And it worked…but only in the moments that I was concious enough to actually DO it.

In other news….How would you kiddies like another confession? This one has been weighing heavy on me in recent months. Mostly because of a situation that happened last December.

Confession #4:

I have low self-esteem.

Unbelieveable I know. And it may seem insignificant to some…but it would ASTOUND you the decisions that come from a place of unworthiness; the guilt and shame associated with abandonment.  I know that low self esteem is SOOOO seventh grade…hell…it is SOOOOooo last year. This year is ALL ABOUT the confident twenty-something black woman. College educated, financially independent and emotionally stable. You know? But I am not her. I cannot even pretend to be her. She’s plastered all over the Essence magazine. She rode by me in her ‘08 Saab adn slipped her hair while I waited at Hartsfield-Jackson. ‘Cause they ALL live in Atlanta…or Houston or New York or LA, you know. (note to self: watch it Crys…you kinda soundin’ like a Hater)

I thought that developing a relationship with my Dad would fix the abandonment issues. It didn’t becuase I can’t TALK to him. And talking doesn’t erase the years and the feelings.

I thought that publishing my book would do away with the feelings of inadequacy…with my inability to finish anything that I start. It didn’t. I just started coming up with…and believeing mind you, reasons why my book sales were a fluke. And so I stopped promoting it. Stopped performing.

I thought that removing myself from the “dating” scene, getting a stable boyfriend, would displace the cycle of Vixen vs. Victim that I get caught up in(as it relates to sex). But alas, it did not. In fact…it has brought ALL these ugly things to the forefront…to deal with them head on. So how do you know when you’ve DEALT with them?

Talking to my step-mom (imagine Ma’dea….only 5′2″, and 45 years old) and we came to the conclusion that I don’t love myself. That I DO have low self-esteem. And she, like all the talk shows and self-help books and blogs….told me to “LET IT GO!” “LET THE PAST GO”…”HEAL YOURSELF”…But you know what? Nobody ever tells you how. Other than talking about it. Other than writing about it. Hell…other than tears, bubble baths and pedicures, and tears,  and candles and pretty panties and tears, talking to myself and GD, and tears, and  solo dinner dates….How the hell do you come up with REAL answers? When does this damn healing start and I the hell will I know when its over?

‘Cause I used to have it. I used to feel so good about myself that I could walk into a room and the energy changed…for the better. Folks used to wanna be where I was. I used to enjoy being around people. And right now I don’t.  I wanna be chic again. I wanna be confident and secure and happpy.  Stable and engaging and relevant. And at this rate….its not gonna happen.

And low self-esteem is SOOoooo last year. 

Just to know Im doin’ the right thing…

I’m in my hotel room watching Hannity and Colms. No, I don’t usually, but they had mininster on that was just SHITTING on Obama (Go to Atlah.com). And Dr. laura comes on. She has a new book called  Stop whining and start living. Basically, the book is saying that this moment is the only one you are gauraunteed, so live IN it. Love it! Squeeze every bit of joy out of it. Life is a choice.

So I go to open the window to smoke a ciggy in my non-smoking room (Confession #4: I smoke in non-smoking hotel rooms). And I’m looking up..listening to her talk about living in the moment…and it starts to rain. I witnessed the rain as it STARTED falling. And I was moved. I thought…I should be listening to soothing music…I should turn the TV down. And then I realized that the moment could not be more perfect. GD showed me a sign…and I didn’t even have to ask for it…

But maybe I did.

Peace.

Purging: the begining

I’ve decided…no…it came to me that I must first purge myself. Reveal those things about me that I wouldn’t want anyone to know about me….In order to grow. I think Lauryn Hill addressed the concept in her MTV Unplugged album. She talked about how to find GD and truth…she found herself confessing things to her parents that she’d done in grade school. For the liberation.

SO here. I will liberate myself. Perhaps one day I’ll get the courage…or the humility to admitt these things to the people that they relate to..But for now, this medium will do. I’ll confess to the forty or so people who have stopped by my blog in the last twenty four hours.

 Confession #1

I did not vote in the 2000 election.

 I’ve protested Bush’s presence in the White House. I have debated with the best of ‘em. Read up on and written about his ties to the Iraqi  royals. But I did not vote against him in 2000. I’m more embarrased about this than ashamed.  I won’t make any excuses. There are none. I just didn’t do it. I did vote in 2004. I voted for John Kerry. Not because I thought he could win, but in an attempt to rectify my past transgression.

I should feel lighter. I should feel a weight off my shoulders. But I don’t. Why? Because I started typing a completely different confession. One that if read by certain folks, could rearrannge all that I’ve known for the last ten years. It could have started alot of mess and hurt some folks….so…that one will have to come later. Perhaps I’ll have to confess that one TO the person it affects BEFORE I post it.

 Wanna know another one?

Confession #2

 I eat beef.

And the EVIL SWINE!. Not often, but often enough that I need to stop saying that I don’t eat it. I think I just got caught up in the “image”. Ya know? I got these naps growing from my scalp. I listen to concious hip hop and I read alot. I burn insence and candles. And open and close my phone conversations with “PEACE”.  YOU know the image I’m talking about.  At one point I DID stop eatting beef and pork. But the hotel restaurant in Pittsburgh, PA has THE BEST Angus burger…one thing led to another…Next thing I knew I was elbow deep in medium-well angus beef with sauteed mushrooms and A-1! And once the burger got me…italian sausage pizza with onions and green peppers was a long leap off a short cliff. So there you have it. I’ve moved on beyond just poultry.

 I’m sure that there is more purging to come…keep watch.

Pray for me.

Peace

Maybe tomorrow…

I was supposed to fly into Atlanta today so that I can be fresh for work tomorrow. But guess what I did instead? Instead, I sat in bed and wrote random poetry. I smoked about nine Newports. I read several riveting blogs from beautiful brown folk all over the U. S of A. I ate pineappe straight from the can and reheated pizza from yesterday.

Instead of battling the “traveling public” to get to work tomorrow, I listened to Badu, and C.R.A.C., and Goapele, and Steve Spacek and Marva Whitney. I popped a vicodin for my cramps. Slathered Eucerin on my cracking lips and talked to my momma on the phone. I washed dishes and washed and twisted my hair.

I need the slow down time. I’ve been running for at least three weeks. Pack my bag, fly to work, fly FOR work, sleep on Dad’s couch, fly home, wash clothes, pack my bag, fly to work, fly FOR work….You get it.

So instead of running some more…I’m gonna take that “L” today. And I’ll just have to get up at 0500 to catch the early flight to work.

Oh friggin’ well.

I need to lounge.

Peace.

Say it ain’t so Al: a repost

STOP AL SHARPTON AND THE NAACP FROM DESTROYING BLACK WOMEN AND BLACK VICTIMS!!!

Right-thinking black people everywhere are stunned by the recent betrayal of Al Sharpton and the NAACP in a situation that is just too outrageous to ignore.

This is a painful story to tell, but it’s important for the moral, law-abiding majority of black Americans to understand exactly why Al Sharpton and the NAACP must be immediately stopped.

On June 18, 2007, a black woman was gang raped by 10 youths and forced at gunpoint to have sex with her own 12 year old son in a housing complex called Dunbar Village in West Palm Beach, Florida. The young men not only viciously punched, kicked and sliced this sister and her son with glass objects, but they also blinded her boy by pouring nail polish remover into his eyes.

The young men forced this sister and son to lay naked in a bathtub together, and attempted to set them on fire (they could not find matches). The youths boldly took cell phone pictures so that they could enjoy their violent, immoral and sadistic acts at a later time. The violence continued for more than three hours, and although this sister’s neighbors heard her screams, no one called the police or came to her aid.

This sister and her son had to walk a mile to the hospital, because the assailants stole her car, and threatened to kill her and her family if she told the authorities.

Only four of the young men have been apprehended, while the remaining six are on the loose, doing Lord knows what in our communities. There is no manhunt for the remaining suspects.

As devastating as this story is, what the NAACP and Al Sharpton have done about it will simply take your breath away:

Not only did the NAACP ignore hundreds of requests to assist this woman because it was ‘outside the scope of their mission’, but they joined forces with Al Sharpton, and sent their lawyers to speak out IN SUPPORT OF THE RAPISTS.

You heard me right.

Even though there is conclusive DNA evidence and signed confessions, the NAACP and Al Sharpton are saying that it is ‘unfair’ to not offer bail to these four alleged rapists. They even had a press release about it.

IT IS TIME FOR SENSIBLE BLACK PEOPLE TO STOP THIS KIND OF NONSENSE ONCE AND FOR ALL.

Al Sharpton and the NAACP are banking on the belief that you and I will be just like this black woman’s neighbors. Join me by saying NOT THIS TIME. We will not turn a deaf ear to when we hear calls for help from one of our sisters and brothers who are being victimized.

Stop the NAACP and Al Sharpton’s National Action Network from committing this disgrace in our community. Just this once, let’s stand up and be counted by saying that we demand safe neighborhoods for our women and children.

Here is what you can do:

1. Spread the word. Forward this email if your conscience and concern have been raised. Send it to every concerned black citizen that you know.

2. Demand an explanation from your local NAACP chapter about this case. Cancel your membership to these organizations, and write a letter explaining that you will return when they prioritize the public safety needs of black women and children.

3. If you do not belong to these organizations, call and write them to tell them of your outrage and displeasure:

NAACP National Headquarters
4805 Mt. Hope Drive
Baltimore MD 21215
Toll Free: (877) NAACP-98
Local: (410) 580-5777

National Action Network
Rev. Al Sharpton
106 W. 145th Street
Harlem, New York 10039
212-690-3070
877-NAN-HOJ1

4. If you know an African American reporter or a black radio talk show host, forward this story to them and ask them to follow up on it.

Each Friday at 9:00am, visit any of the websites below, which will give you an update on the status of this situation. DO NOT LET THIS GO. Let us start working for safer neighborhoods in black communities.

Read the history of the Dunbar Village problem here:

http://www.dunbarvillage.blogspot.com/

ON FRIDAYS, CHECK THE NETWORK OF A NEW GENERATION OF BLACK ACTIVISTS:

http://blackwomenvote.blogspot.com
http://adifferentstory.wordpress.com
http://anonymissblog.blogspot.com/
http://auntjemimasrevenge.blogspot.com
http://blackfirewhitefire.blogspot.com/
http://charactercorner.blogspot.com/
http://electronicvillage.blogspot.com
http://episcopalienne.blogspot.com
http://essentialpresence.blogspot.com
http://focusedpurpose.blogspot.com/
http://h-essays.blogspot.com/
http://lareinacobre.blogspot.com/
http://mynewblog-ravenelvenlady.blogspot.com/
http://politicalseason.blogspot.com
http://privyconcepts.blogspot.com/
http://thesowingcircle.blogspot.com/
http://web.mac.com/roslynholcomb/iWeb/Site/Blog/Blog.html
http://whataboutourdaughters.com
http://whattamisaid.blogspot.com
http://www.blacksapience.blogspot.com/
http://yanmommasaid.blogspot.com
http://www.somethingwithin.com/blog