“…That girl was way behind her time”
I tried it today. I tried living in the moment. Not the future (the LOOMING relcation to ATL), not the past (money blunders that have got me in a current bind) But the NOW. Everytime I caught myself getting freaked out…like the miscommunication between me and my future roommate that left me stranded at Hartsfield-Jackson airport for an hour
… anytime something like THAT happened…I just reminded myself to BREATH. THIS moment is all that matters and in THIS moment, I’m alive. In THIS moment I’m healthy. And it worked…but only in the moments that I was concious enough to actually DO it.
In other news….How would you kiddies like another confession? This one has been weighing heavy on me in recent months. Mostly because of a situation that happened last December.
I have low self-esteem.
Unbelieveable I know. And it may seem insignificant to some…but it would ASTOUND you the decisions that come from a place of unworthiness; the guilt and shame associated with abandonment. I know that low self esteem is SOOOO seventh grade…hell…it is SOOOOooo last year. This year is ALL ABOUT the confident twenty-something black woman. College educated, financially independent and emotionally stable. You know? But I am not her. I cannot even pretend to be her. She’s plastered all over the Essence magazine. She rode by me in her ’08 Saab adn slipped her hair while I waited at Hartsfield-Jackson. ‘Cause they ALL live in Atlanta…or Houston or New York or LA, you know. (note to self: watch it Crys…you kinda soundin’ like a Hater)
I thought that developing a relationship with my Dad would fix the abandonment issues. It didn’t becuase I can’t TALK to him. And talking doesn’t erase the years and the feelings.
I thought that publishing my book would do away with the feelings of inadequacy…with my inability to finish anything that I start. It didn’t. I just started coming up with…and believeing mind you, reasons why my book sales were a fluke. And so I stopped promoting it. Stopped performing.
I thought that removing myself from the “dating” scene, getting a stable boyfriend, would displace the cycle of Vixen vs. Victim that I get caught up in(as it relates to sex). But alas, it did not. In fact…it has brought ALL these ugly things to the forefront…to deal with them head on. So how do you know when you’ve DEALT with them?
Talking to my step-mom (imagine Ma’dea….only 5’2″, and 45 years old) and we came to the conclusion that I don’t love myself. That I DO have low self-esteem. And she, like all the talk shows and self-help books and blogs….told me to “LET IT GO!” “LET THE PAST GO”…”HEAL YOURSELF”…But you know what? Nobody ever tells you how. Other than talking about it. Other than writing about it. Hell…other than tears, bubble baths and pedicures, and tears, and candles and pretty panties and tears, talking to myself and GD, and tears, and solo dinner dates….How the hell do you come up with REAL answers? When does this damn healing start and I the hell will I know when its over?
‘Cause I used to have it. I used to feel so good about myself that I could walk into a room and the energy changed…for the better. Folks used to wanna be where I was. I used to enjoy being around people. And right now I don’t. I wanna be chic again. I wanna be confident and secure and happpy. Stable and engaging and relevant. And at this rate….its not gonna happen.
And low self-esteem is SOOoooo last year.